Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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