I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
