i love accidental penises.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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