he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
