Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
