is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
