Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
