just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
