Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
