Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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