He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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