i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
