Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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