you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
