i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
