i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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