I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it wasn't lemon gatorade
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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