Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
