remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
