I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Randomize
