Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
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It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
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It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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