Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
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