finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
