That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
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She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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