Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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