I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We need a shit load of segways right now
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
