I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
