Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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