dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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