rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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