i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
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It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
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I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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