I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
