I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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