How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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