i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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