I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
We smell like vodka and hangover
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