saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
