Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
