shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
His nipple licking is glorious
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