I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
