Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
