....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
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She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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