Sry I called you an 8
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
