I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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