Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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