Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
