here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Houston, we have a blender
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
