I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
