You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
