at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
