hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
