Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
