I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
