It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
