how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
