I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
