they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
