I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
