I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
