but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
