at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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