Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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