Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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