Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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