I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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